It's been a bizarre start to the year, really. To try and prepare some thoughts, I read through
the entries on this page, and it's strange how I almost seemed to know what was coming. On 10 March,
my Mum died after a peritonitis infection spread to her lungs. She'd been in her flat for less than
a month, and I remember thinking how ironic it would be if she were to die after all the effort we
had both put into building a new life for her. The odd thing about it all is that she'd had
peritonitis before, due to the catheter she used for her renal treatment being in her peritoneum,
but that it had only taken a dose of antibiotics for her to feel fine. It didn't work out that way
this time; the fact that she was still bringing up violently-coloured phlegm a couple of days
after admission was a big worry, but the point at which I realised she really was in trouble was
when her renal bag wasn't draining, which I had never seen before. The haste in which Mum wanted
me and John to go after that makes me think that she knew that too, because it would have been
typical for her not to want to subject us to anything unpleasant.

As the catheter wasn't responding to treatment, Mum was taken into surgery to remove it, but she
reacted badly, leading to me getting a phone call informing me that Mum had been taken into the
Intensive Care Unit the morning after. Luckily for me, the ICU at the Royal Devon and Exeter is
lovely, with very kind staff, which made the difference when I was told that Mum was very seriously
ill, to the extent that she may not survive, and if she did, she would still be very ill. It took
less than 24 hours for the doctors to conclude that there was nothing more they could do, as she
wasn't responding to treatment. John and I sat in the room as the life support was taken away,
and, rather surprisingly, Mum passed away in less than 10 minutes. The nurse we had held Mum's
hand as she went, talking quietly to her, which is more than I could bring myself to do. I sent
her a card afterwards, because she really ensured Mum passed away with as much dignity as
possible. Thankfully, Mum was sedated throughout, so she didn't have to be distressed by the
experience of the ICU.

Naturally, the next two weeks were filled with all the things you have to do when someone dies.
Top of the list was arranging a funeral, which I hadn't had to do before. Although the funeral
director was very helpful, they couldn't decide for me whether or not I had hymns, what hymns I
had, or what music to play. What I really needed was '101 Funeral Classics', but of course, this
is the last thing you're likely to pick up in Tesco. Fortunately, the funeral director arranged
for the curate of the local church to administer the funeral, and he was very helpful in
recommending hymns that a bunch of heathens like my family were likely to know. In fact, he did
a great job all round, so I struck lucky! It felt odd having the religious service at the
crematorium, but although Mum didn't believe in an afterlife, she wasn't bothered sufficiently to
desire a non-religious service. It's made me realise that I need to think about putting funeral
arrangements in my will, as, if John had to arrange it, he would feel bad having a religious
service for me, seeing as I'm an atheist, and it's actually far easier to have a religious
service than not.

One of the questions I've been asked often is "Was it a surprise?". I think the timing certainly
was, as, in my usual optimistic way, I was fully expecting her to get properly settled into her
new flat. However, I knew that her condition would drastically affect her life expectancy, so I
had been prepared for her death for some time. Also, although I miss her, I'm glad she didn't
have to get any worse, as I knew she was struggling a bit as she was. Her confidence had really
taken a knock, so I was comforted by the knowledge that she wasn't suffering any more. Of course,
I did some suffering alongside her, and it's telling that the leg pain and nagging voice in my
head have totally disappeared. In fact, I'm far more laid back than I used to be; it feels like
I'm bobbing along in a little boat, rather than trying to control a slippery lilo. I think Mum
would be relieved that she was finally able to make life easier for me, as my planned move to
London will certainly be a lot easier now.

In other news, my grandad died in early February. We weren't close, but I did hear that his
mental health had declined significantly in the past year, which made me feel bad that my life
was so dominated by Mum that I couldn't pop over and see him. However, if he was confused, it's
debatable how much good I could have done. A very lovely work colleague also died just before
Mum, of a similar condition, and I attended her memorial service. She did a incredible amount of
work for charity by a fit person's standards, but she had diabetes and kidney failure, and also
managed to hold down a full-time job. She really was an inspiration, and died at a cruelly young
age of 33. There's many people twice her age who haven't had the same impact on the world.

So, I think I can call 2008 a significant year in my life, and we haven't quite made it through
the first third yet. I'm looking for a job in London, and am making progress. After keeping my
head above water for so long, I can suddenly move forward.

As a pinko liberal Brit, it is no big shock to find I'm closest to the 3 Democrat top-runners in the US Presidental race;
86% Hillary Clinton
86% John Edwards
86% Barack Obama
2008 Presidential Candidate Matching Quiz

It's a shame that the first black and female contenders are running against each other, but a Clinton/Obama (or Obama/Clinton) ticket is not impossible, although I suspect Clinton may lose out to Edwards because she's just a little too Noo Yawk for the rest of the US.

The one person who bothers to read this blog will have no doubt that this has been a fairly stressful year. Of course, you don't experience that amount of stress without learning a few things. So, for the benefit of anyone who has to support a relative who has experienced a major life catastrophe, here's some Dos and Don'ts;

DO be in no doubt that your relative will show signs of shock and distress, and that it can take many forms. Perhaps surprisingly, my mother didn't go down the sobbing and depression route. Instead, she kept a stiff upper lip and promptly lost the confidence to do things that she'd previously thought simple. I think my mother's reaction was probably preferable to her becoming depressed, but that's rather like saying a stamp on the foot is preferable to a punch in the face.

DON'T let your relative's needs take over your life. Marching over to the hospital every day might well make them feel better, but it soon becomes a dreary chore, because hospitals, particularly NHS ones, have a tendency to move slowly. There may be no news for several days as to the progress of your relative, and if you work full-time, forget about being able to see a doctor. If you've dragged yourself over after work, chances are that you'll be too tired and hungry to think about talking to one anyway. As soon as you can, limit your visits and make it clear that your visits will be more successful if you're not hungry and tired. Your relative may need your support, but you need to be in the right state to give it.

DO brace yourself for any surgery that might alter your relative's appearance. I did fear my reaction to seeing my Mum's stump for the first time, but visualising the sight did help when I first saw her after surgery. The second time was probably easier, although it's never a simple matter to see an empty space where a limb used to be. Put the sight in perspective by telling yourself that regardless of how odd it feels for you, it's going to be a lot worse for your relative. Which leads me onto...

DON'T absorb your relative's distress. The last thing they need is a blubbing mess by the hospital bed. If you need to cry, try and do so away from them, unless they are particularly keen on you wallowing in their misfortune. Deep breaths are quite useful in riding any waves of emotion. Also...

DO try and think of conversational material other than the horrible thing that's happened to your relative. Chances are that they've done quite enough thinking about it anyway. It can be the most everyday of subjects, and in fact it's probably helpful to remind them of life going on in its normal, boring fashion whilst their normal life is being interrupted. My mother's next door neighbour, who always likes to see the worst in things, probably put my mother's recovery back a day or so with her rather morbid wallowing in Mum's bad luck. Thank God she never came to visit again.

DON'T assume responsibility for your relative's life if you can possibly help it. Trying to sort out their problems as well as your own is a recipe for exhaustion and confusion. If you have to;

DO have a realistic expectation of what you can achieve in a day. I have a awful habit of compiling lists of things to do in my head, with the complusion to try and do all of them in one day. You will almost never achieve this if your list is longer than 5 items, or if the items rely on you travelling more than 40 miles in that day. If your relative does not drive, they may imagine that driving takes little energy. Dissuade them of this idea as soon as you can.

DON'T imagine that you should be doing more than you are. Unless your relative's life or health is really falling apart, you are probably doing more than enough.

DO try and point out to your relative that a 20 mile drive is not 'popping round'. Try and avoid being relied on to sort out trivial problems if you live away from them and sympathetic neighbours/friends/family members live nearer than yourself. Talking of family...

DON'T expect family members to always be there. I'm not saying they should or shouldn't; but, for many reasons, family members may be unwilling or unable to help. If the immediate responsibility to hold things together isn't present, the luxury of being able to avoid the problem is often too tempting for some people. However, if help is offered;

DO take advantage of any assistance, if it will truly help. I've only got my own experience to go on, but sadly, some people, regardless of their relationship to you, will only offer help to prop up their own ego. This means that you may well expend more energy trying to stop them helping only in the way THEY want to, and giving them a round of applause every time they DO do something, whether or not that really helps you. You don't need this; it really WILL be easier to do it yourself. However, you may find help from quarters that you had not previously considered. The people concerned may well renew your faith in human nature, so do make sure you thank them.

DON'T attempt to be Superwoman/man. If you have a full-time job, request help from your employer in the form of permission to request short-term holiday at short notice, compressed hours, working from home, etc. If your manager is worthy of the title, they will try and help as much as they can. My employer treated me fairly and compassionately, and got a committed employee in return. If you're not getting the help you need, contact a union. You DO deserve it.

DO expect your relative to be grumpy and ungrateful on occasions. They will almost certainly not mean it. However...

DON'T be used as a verbal or physical punchbag. I've told my Mum off when I've felt she's been unreasonable, although I've probably let her off more for the sake of a quiet life. You don't have to lose your temper or be grumpy back at them; calmly stating your case is enough and is probably more effective at making them see sense. Also...

DO accept that you will be stressed and anxious. Try and think of ways to manage this. It's never pleasant to read through a list of symptoms of stress and to find that you have answered 'yes' to every one. In fact, it probably increases your stress levels. If you develop a habit as a result of your stress, try not to worry about it. It's a way for your brain to cope, and as long as you recognise it as being temporary, you should avoid it taking over your life.

DON'T feel like you've 'failed' if you feel you need professional help to cope with the situation, regardless of what it is. The staff at my Mum's rehabilitation centre took over most of the day-to-day tasks that Mum previously expected me to help with, allowing me time and space to deal with other things. Also, although I didn't seek counselling, I did take part in a Psychology PhD study, which allowed me to talk through my feelings, and the muscle pain I developed which was a symptom of stress was eased by an osteopath, who also provided a sympathetic ear. All of this gave me some time to think about myself. Incidentally...

DO give yourself some 'me' time. Just having the morning off work and sitting in a cafe can help you feel like your life is back to normal again. Staying in bed all morning is just as effective, if you prefer that. Getting enough rest is essential. Be nice to yourself. You're not much use to your relative if you're exhausted, and there should be a line between their life and yours, especially when they are undergoing recovery. Being totally dependent on you is no good to them at all.

It's been a tough year, and I've certainly not followed all the advice above. I've suffered for it, probably unnecessarily. However, it has meant that I now have a clearer idea of what I want to achieve in life, and central to that is my mother not being dependent on me. She's capable of so much more, so the best way to achieve this is to move away, in order to remove the temptation of dependence for her. She's panicked a couple of times when she hasn't been able to contact me straightaway, and it's been proven in the past that she tends to worry less if I'm a significant distance away. So I won't be hanging around in Devon for long. It's not the only reason, but it's become clear that it will be better for both of us to have some distance. Hopefully in 2008 I'll be able to have my life back...

No updates since August. Hmm. I'd stopped worrying about updating my blog until a friend told me that he'd been stopping by regularly in the hope of getting some news about my life, which made me feel guilty. So here we are;

Mum, as ever, continues to cope extremely well with her condition, and now has two false legs, which she can walk a few steps in. On being advised by her Occupational Therapist that she couldn't really return to her house, I sold it (amazingly quickly), and bought her a ground-floor flat in a retirement development with a warden and a friendly-looking bunch of residents in the communal lounge. I say that *I* did it because I did most of the work, naturally, although it's fair to say that the process was much smoother than I ever imagined it would be. I think the process of sorting out many years of accrued crap had more of an impact on my life, and it's been great to be able to look around Mum's house knowing that the moving process will be fairly straightforward. Mum's still in the rehab centre (she's spent more time in there than in her house this year), and I don't expect her to finish her rehab until early next year.

I suppose the main reason for the lack of updates has been the fact that sorting out Mum's life has been paramount to living my own; I've had to rise early at the weekends and either visit her or take yet another huge bag of stuff to a charity shop, with, along with my job, has left me too tired to think about other things. It's not just tiredness, however, it's been the actual impossibility of thinking about other things; my manager suggested a week at my company's customer service frontline, which would have helped me in my job, but I simply couldn't fit it in my head, and told him so. I'm also glad I dropped the Chemistry and Biology, as I wouldn't have been able to concentrate on it in the slightest. Sadly, the whole struggle with trying to persuade EdExcel that they've made an error somewhere has more or less kicked out the enthusiasm I had for both subjects, so I'm looking at the other options that I have. One of these is to pursue my interest in training/teaching others, so I've applied for a Learning Consultant position at my current office. Failing that, I'm also considering project management, which my company has regular opportunities in. If I don't get the Learning Consultant position at my office, I will seriously be looking at moving away from Devon; it's a long-term plan in any case, for many reasons, but although I like my current job, there's no budget to promote me, and I'm not really prepared to embark on what will be a very demanding year doing what will be the same amount of work for less pay. I already feel that my end-of-year review hasn't really taken into account just how well I've done not to drop the balls; which I explained to my manager, and although he conceded that the review process doesn't really take that into account, he came to the conclusion that I'd have to pat myself on the back for that one. Which isn't really enough, to be honest, as I can do that regardless of a promotion or not.

Enough moaning; I had a great Dimension Jump this year, which reminds me that all the really great moments I've had this year have been in the company of friends. The more I get to know my friends, the more stupid it seems to me to be living so far away from them all. Having fun with them has kept me sane through a very difficult year, and they continue to make me smile as I approach my 30th birthday. For many reasons, life looks much better now than it did at the beginning of the year, and I've only just recovered from the extreme anxiety that I was suffering with over the summer. I'm so much calmer now, although that still involves a little voice nagging at me, as it always does. Thankfully, I think I've learnt when to ignore it.

Anthony H. Wilson is dead. Fucksticks. Some of the best nights out I had as a student were at The Hacienda, and his influence on the Manchester music scene is indisputable. Characters like him are rare, and let's hope he's given his due in music history.

Well, my absence from this blog is fairly obvious, and it's mainly due to my mother's state of health dominating my life. I thought it was pointless to keep updating with the same old boring situation, because the main thing about illness/disability is that it's actually REALLY tedious. Mum's doing ok, and has been doing ok for quite some time, and although she will eventually get home, it will take her a while. This kind of situation is probably the worst for someone like me, who is impatient and hates being in limbo. Although I've never identified myself as someone who has trouble with her mental health, to the point where I've actually participated in a PhD study on the subject, I've had to admit that, over the last three months, I've not actually been coping quite as well as I thought. I've suffered from anxiety, guilt, feelings of depression and a real desire to run away from the situation as far as I can, resulting in me thinking of taking a job in another country. The odd thing is, whilst you're in the middle of this cerebal chaos, you think you're totally normal. It was a real surprise for John to suggest to me gently that I might benefit from counselling, but thankfully, by that time, I was beginning to recover, and looked back, askance, at my mania.

The situation has taken its toll on Mum too, naturally, and though she's not been depressed, she's lost a lot of confidence, especially when trying to use her false leg. I think part of her is a little too comfortable with being looked after at the rehabilitation centre, and I had to warn her gently that, unless she screws her courage to the sticking place soon, she may have to go into a nursing home. She seemed to understand, so hopefully she'll be a bit more confident with her rehabilitation from now on. She should be changing her method of dialysis soon, which will allow her to move into a ground floor flat. Naturally, I'm responsible for moving her, so I've been getting rid of years of accumulated crap in her house (including my own), which is a strange feeling; a bit like chucking away bits of her life. I would ask my family to help, if they didn't expect a round of applause after every little thing they do. I really don't have the energy to cope with that, so I'd rather do it myself.

I am a little fed up with Mum's needs dominating my life so much, but I'm lucky that John is so patient with this. Let's face it, most couples our age are not compelled to visit their parents every weekend, and are actually able to move where they like; at least in theory. John's earning power is definitely comprimised by having to stay in the South West, and I know I could probably earn more elsewhere, as well as being closer to our friends. Never mind ; until Mum is settled, then we can't really make any long-term decisions. Maybe that's a good thing, as I can't guarantee that I'm acting with a totally sound mind at the moment. My nagging feeling that time is running out is quite probably false, but my upcoming 30th birthday is one of those unavoidable milestones. I'm not even sure that I want to celebrate it that much.

Erm, I didn't really intend this to be another massive moan. I'm quite happy most of the time, honestly!

Well, here I am, continuing my tradition of updating my blog only when I have bad news. In a fit of quite extraordinary bad luck, my mum has just had her other leg amputated below the knee, for the same reasons as last time - bad circulation. It's all been rather quick, with Mum first experiencing numbness in the leg a week ago, and being admitted to hospital 2 days later, after having pain off and on through the weekend. Her renal nurse and a local doctor had thought that the leg was fine a week ago, so the leg got too bad to be saved rather quickly, even though the surgeon tried his best.

Mum's been very brave about it, as she was last time, and we both know that she will cope, because she coped with becoming a monoped very well. However, her increasing resemblance to the Black Knight does make me wonder what else is round the corner, and I am worried about the possible decline in her quality of life. Despite this, I have been annoyed at the well-meant reactions of some people, who seem to think that her lack of lower leg will automatically make her an invalid, who won't be able to do anything for herself. Granted, her mobility will certainly not get any better, but many people are in the same position as Mum, and manage to live valuable lives. I recently saw a young man who is a successful sprinter using two false legs, and although I'm not expecting Mum to do the same, I do think that she'll make the best of her situation, and whatever we'll have to do to help that, we'll do all in good time.

One thing I learnt from last time was the need to look after myself, so I cancelled my planned A2 exams, as the first one is on Tuesday, and frankly, I couldn't really face it. Thankfully, I have a supportive manager at work who is fine with me booking holiday at short notice, and working from home, so the next few weeks will be taken up with simply protecting myself, as well as supporting Mum. John is invaluable in situations like this, as he is very insistent on me striking a balance between being a carer and caring for myself. The balance seems perfectly obvious to an outsider, naturally, but guilt is a destructive emotion, and can lead you to think that you never do enough.

Anyway, the most dangerous stage is past, and things can (hopefully) only look up from here on in. I would like to post something positive, after all!

Ok.

• The redesign of this place is obvious, undertaken by John, and I think it's a great improvement.
• Had holiday in Italy. It was incredibly lovely, and didn't last long enough. Me and John were fascinated by Gerry Scotti on Mediaset Canale 5, who appears to present nearly every show on the channel, including the promotions that suddenly appear during the programmes. At one point he seemed to walk from the set of the programme he was presenting into the set of the promotion. The magic of television, eh? We met up with Steve Belizon-Holiday from NOTBBC in Rome, which was great fun, and made up for our rather fleeting visit to the capital. Still, Pompeii was excellent, and the Sorrento area is incredibly beautiful, so we left relaxed and resolved to repeat our visit.
• Mum is continuing to improve, with the staff in the mobility centre hoping to get her walking with her false leg soon, using a frame, which will help her no end.
• I managed to fail my AS Biology exam again, which was slightly unbelievable. I got a copy of one of the papers, and as I couldn't really see where I had gone wrong enough to warrant not having a grade, I have sent it to my tutor for advice. As I had already registered for the A2 in June, I'm taking the exams, but don't have high hopes. I have given up, in essence, as it takes effort that I can't really spare at the moment. John's mother suggested that I be a bit kinder to myself, and I can't deny that it's good advice. It's not like I don't already have a successful career, after all.
• In summary; hmm. Holidays are a good idea.

Gah. I'm nursing a hangover after getting drunk wih John during Crufts (I love Crufts, but I wish they had better presenters) and the Coogan night on UKTV G2. I'd always thought the Tony Ferrino Phenomenon was crap, but I really enjoyed it last night. I don't think it was the booze talking, either.

I've barely had time to sit down and smell the exhaust fumes recently, as some bright spark in management at work decided that the very best thing to do would be to have all products release new stuff at the same time, four times a year. They didn't seem to consider that this would all need testing at the same time, by a small testing team. We don't do all of it, but it's enough to cause us to be stupidly busy and not deliver the most through service that we could. Tsk. With that and preparing for Mum's return to home (which looks like it means arguing with the council over alterations to her house), I'm not in the best mood to concentrate on exam revision, but I'd better get to it soon, as I haven't got nearly as much time as I think I have.

I can't wait for my holiday...

Well, my plan to take Chemistry A2 in January has been thwarted by the company I use telling me that the Chemistry practical exams are only held in the Summer sessions. Bum. Summer 2008 it is then. I do sometimes wonder about the wisdom of my battling on with my studying, faced with my mother's increasing disability and greater demands from my job, but I like to finish projects that I start. A niggling voice in my head doesn't let me quit unless I really don't know where to go next.

I'm also fed up with almost permanetly having a cold, as it's causing my senses of taste and smell to be intermittent, and making my mouth feel dry even when I can tell it isn't. I probably need a good night out or something.

Never mind...Italy in April, where I can travel to Pompeii and gaze at people who have experienced a far worse day than I ever have. Va bene!

I can't really top this review, so I won't. It made a great Valentine's Day, though.

In other news; I'VE BEEN ILL WAH. I've given up on the idea of taking both my Chemistry and Biology A2 exams this summer, choosing instead to take the Biology, as I've already done most of the course. Given the time I still need to spend with my mum and being ill, my Chemistry progress has been woeful, and it seems folly to put myself under unnecessary stress. Postponing until January seems the logical thing to do.

I've been in a bit of a funny mood recently; I think being ill has made me frustrated at not being able to do that much. Now I'm back in rude health, I'm going to try and put things back on track.